Charlotte’s story
11 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I remember this day so well, I remember my pregnancy too well, every detail, every little kick, every single word the doctor told me and what I had to do to keep her safe and continue to grow big enough. But she was too impatient to wait.
When I was 12weeks along, I started noticing period pain symptoms. At first I thought I had eaten something that didn’t agree with me, second thought was to call my doctor if pains got worse. I went on with my day like any other pregnant person, while I was at work I noticed when I went to the bathroom I started spotting. I had called my doctor in a panic and he reassured me that everything was fine and sometimes these things happen, but if I wanted to keep my mind at ease I could come in for a check on buns heartbeat. And that’s what I did, I would have gone to visit my doctor everyday just to hear her heartbeat if I was allowed.
As doc put the Doppler on my belly to find the heartbeat I was terrified, but he found it and said all was well.
We went home that afternoon and the rest of the night seemed somewhat normal until I woke at a crazy hour in the morning to bad period pain and extreme bleeding. I honestly thought I was losing my baby, my first-born baby.
I was praying she was ok.
I called my doctor straight away (lucky he was a family friend) and told him everything that was happening. I was told to go to the hospital and that he was sorry and said that it sounds like I’m having a miscarriage.
I was devastated and sobbing uncontrollably, I did what I was told and went to the hospital, and they checked me in for the rest of the night and for a week after. They found bubs heartbeat and did a scan, and everything looked healthy.
I was told to rest for a week, and I’d be checked every day, I felt a little better knowing I was in the best place possible and that my baby was still really healthy and the heartbeat was still really strong.
My doctor told me that I was to be on strict bed rest, and I wasn’t allowed to do anything until told otherwise. I was still bleeding and still in pain, but I think as a woman and having those pains I just got use to them and built a tolerance to them.
As the days went on with me staying in bed and not doing anything I wasn’t allowed to, the bleeding didn’t stop, and the pains only got worse as I my baby got bigger. I was given anti D injections to protect us both.
I remember waking up one night to go to the toilet because I had an urge to push, and something didn’t feel right at all.
I went to the toilet and was on the phone to my doctor crying saying I need to push. My doctor told me that I needed to catch whatever it was. So I did what I was told to and luckily it was only a blood clot, but a blood clot the size of my hand. I was told to get to the hospital right now and bring the clot with me.
Once again, I was checked back into hospital and then I was checked over, once again I was told baby was healthy and that they were going to try and find out what was happening and why I was passing clots so big.
I was flown to Adelaide women’s and children’s hospital that night and was told all the pains I was experiencing were contractions.
Why didn’t the hospital back home pick that up?
Why wasn’t I told that at 12 weeks instead of a couple weeks later?
What is happening to me?
Is my baby going to be ok?
All this was going through my head, I was hooked up a CTG machine and monitored very closely. I was given some injection to stop my contractions, but everything was all a blur.
The next morning the nurse came to do her rounds and I was in and out of sleep, she asked how I was and if there was anything she could do for me.
I asked her if she could let me hear my baby’s heartbeat.
As the days went on, I got to know some of the other mothers in unit and things seemed to slow down and started looking good for us both, I wasn’t bleeding so much and the contractions weren’t as bad. I stayed in hospital until I was about 16weeks when I was released and sent home, I was still on strict bed rest.
Each day was a blessing, each day made me feel like that my baby was getting bigger and stronger as every day came along.
My 20week scan came rolling around and I was still having some contractions and bleeding a little, but nothing as bad as it was weeks before.
As I walked into my scan I was so excited to see and hear how healthy my baby was getting, I was asked if I wanted to know what I was having and of course I did. After everything we had been through, I wanted to give her a name, I was told I was having a BABY GIRL 💕
I was beyond words and cried because I had already picked her name and I had already planned out her room in my head and was so excited that I was halfway and that the next 20 or so weeks would fly by.
My doctor stepped into the room and had told me that due to all the complications in my pregnancy and being flown back and forth to Adelaide that our hospital wasn’t equipped for a baby if she was born before 36 weeks, so I was told that I needed to have everything ready by 23-24 weeks and I would be in Women’s and children’s hospital for the rest of my time baking you.
I made sure that everything was all sorted, her room was painted white with a baby pink wall, I painted a little white owl just above her white change table, I got an old antique dresser and sanded it back so I could paint it to match her room.
I literally had everything ready just in case I was to go into early labour.
At 21weeks and 3 days I went into early labour at home and was rushed to hospital again and was given drugs to stop labour. It worked and I was once again back where it was safe, I missed my friends and family, but I knew that being in hospital was the best place possible for us two. I knew if anything happened to her, I was only a floor away from where I had to be to have her, but if I was back home I was 2 and a half hours away. Anything could have gone wrong if I was still at home.
We were checked over, scanned, and given antibiotics in case of another infection and all seemed good, I was told I was allowed to go back home to have a baby shower and to pack my things ready to come back and stay at 24 weeks until she was born.
I went home, invited my friends and family around for a small baby shower, the night before my shower I started getting pains again. I informed my doctor and he said to go to the hospital to get checked out, I did and they said she was just moving around as she didn’t seem to have heaps of room in there to get comfy.
The day of my baby shower came around and I was so tired from the night before, I celebrated with my family and friends and made sure I took it easy; I went to bed and the next morning I felt really good, maybe I was just super tired from stressing so much? I decided to do some washing of her clothes and pack them away ready for when she was due home.
I was in my en-suite one foot in and one foot out and like you see in movies the pregnant mother-to-be is stunned and frozen still, not knowing if your waters have broken or if you’ve accidentally wet yourself.
Not sure what just happened I went to the hospital - I think I should have just moved into the maternity ward with this pregnancy!
Seeing as I wasn’t sure if I peed myself or if my waters broke the nurse did a swab, she said to me that if I wasn’t experiencing pain like you would after your waters brake that I might have just wet myself.
At 23 weeks I was flown to Adelaide again and was moved to the maternity ward.
I was asked if I knew what I was having. I told them I was having a little girl and when asked if I had a name picked out I told them
“I do, her name is Charlotte Anne.”
I continued to have scans every day to see if my body had made more liquid for Bub to swim in, but sadly it wasn’t. I was watched very carefully and had bloods taken to make sure we were both ok, I started clotting again and the pains got more and more frequent.
A student doctor came around to all the mums that were in there in case they were about to have a prem baby and asked the same question.
“Hypothetically, if you were to have your baby today would you be willing to take part of a trail drug to be given an hour before your baby is born to stop the brain from bleeding.?’’
I was completely shocked and didn’t know what to say I just replied
“can I please have sometime to think about it?”
Like he said it was a trial drug.
When he came back in about 3 hours later for my answer I said “yes, if there’s a chance that it could stop my baby from having a brain bleed then yes.”
I remember being on the phone to my foster mum for quite some time talking about everything that was going on and I remember having extreme pain, not just in my stomach but in my lower back too. I called the nurse in and was strapped to a CTG machine and monitored. I stayed on the phone to keep my mind off everything for the moment and I recall saying that I need to do a number 2.
I stayed on the phone and kept talking and then I had an urge to really go. My body pretty much purged itself of everything ready for what was to come, little did I know that, that night I would be in actual labour. I pressed my buzzer continuously and a midwife came running in and I was crying and arched over in pain saying
“her head is here; I can feel her head.”
Charlottes head was down and ready to go, but because there were no waters around her you could see a small ball, I knew it was her head.
I knew something was horribly wrong and that I was going to be in some pain, and she was going to be here soon.
I was moved to the birthing suit where things got scary.
Not to be graphic but but the only way I could explain it was a trauma scene.
I was told that I wasn’t having her and that once I was given drugs to stop labour things would settle down
They were completely wrong because I knew my body and I knew this wasn’t right, I knew I was going to meet her the next morning.
On the 3rd March 2012 I remember getting my OBs checked as per usual - it was a daily routine we got used to. I was in the birthing suite and I had midwifes around me, I was told not to push and I had to wait for the doctor who was amazing - Dr Michael Stark.
He was just about to start his shift in the NICU and was walking through the park across the road of the hospital, that was until he got a call to say
“RUN she’s going to have this baby very soon.”
I was told to keep calm and breathe. How are you meant to keep calm when you’re about to have a tiny baby 15-16 weeks too early?!
I did my best, I tried not to push like I was told until Dr Spark came rushing in:
“Ok Kaila, I’m Dr Michael Spark and you’ve just made me run across the park to deliver your beautiful baby girl. Are you ready?”
I nodded and thought ‘I really can’t do this, she’s too early, she’s not strong enough, her lungs wouldn’t be strong enough.’ But then I remembered we got a course of steroids to make her lungs bigger and stronger in case this exact moment was going to happen.
It was finally time to push, I felt like I was pushing for hours and hours but I wasn’t really. It was only like 45mins but the pain was unbearable and I wanted it all to stop.
“Push Kaila, push”
I heard. All I could think about was does she have hair?
I asked.
He screamed “yes she does. NOW PUSH!”
And the room went silent after that last push and then I heard a small cry. Charlotte was finally here weighing only 780grams. But boy oh boy she had ALOT of hair!
They put Charlotte on me for a second so I could see her and then I was told that they were going to take her away for a couple of hours to do what needed to be done and then I’d be allowed to see her.
Those hours felt like a life-time. I got cleaned up, I had brekky even though I didn’t feel like eating, I had a shower and sat and waited until it was finally time to go see my baby girl.
That very first time walking to the NICU room and having to press the buzzer and say who I was and what baby I’m going to see. Having to learn how to wash your hands the way they do in medical shows, sanitise your hands after touching anything. It was all so scary, so new. But it was our life now.
I walked into the room and was met by these nurses who spend their days looking after babies that are so tiny, so fragile. But such little fighters!
I was shown to where we would be for the next 15-16 weeks or until she was strong enough to be moved into the bigger room.
Seeing Charlotte wrapped in what looked like foil to keep her body heat in and tubes down her nose and in her tiny little body was not something you’d want to see. But I knew she was in good hands, and they were doing everything they could to make her come home.
I was taught in the 44days she was with me how to change her nappy, how to bathe her, how to give her milk through a tube, I was taught a lot.
It might not seem like much to some, but to a new prem Mum it was everything. Especially learning how to do everything in a humidicrib and making sure you don’t get the cables mixed up.
We spent 44 amazing days together, I would read to her, hold her hand and sing to her. I’d sit by her side all day every day. The only time I would leave is when I went to get something to eat or sleep. I would always be there waiting super early in the mornings, and I’d leave as late as I could.
I watched her grow.
I watched other babies grow and get stronger. I saw a lot of heartache and a lot of happiness too. These tiny little babies are strong little warriors.
Sadly, Charlotte didn’t make it home with me, I came home alone.
She looked somewhat healthy on the outside but on the inside, she was a sick little girl. In her last week of her life her oxygen supplement levels were up to 100%. A machine was doing the breathing for her, she would go up and down and the nurses had to stand back and wait for her to pick herself up.
Yes, I did seem like a cruel thing to do but there wasn’t anything else they could do for her. Charlotte just wasn’t healthy. Her lungs simply weren’t strong enough.
I was sat down and a doctor explained that there wasn’t anything more they could do for her, that I needed to think about what I wanted to do.
That I should say my goodbyes when I had a chance, that I could walk out to go to the bathroom and she could pass away without me by her side.
I was told there it was a .01% chance that she would get better and come home. But knowing that she would have moments where she wasn’t getting enough oxygen to her brain for periods of time meant she was brain dead.
Charlotte passed away peacefully in my arms on the 15th April 2012.
Today Charlotte would have been 11, and I wanted to write it all down so I could go back and read it whenever I wanted to. Instead of feeling like those memories are fading.
Charlotte, I hide my tears when I say your name but the pain in my heart is still the same.
Although I smile and seem carefree, there is nobody who misses you more than me. 💓
Rest in paradise my biggest love, you’re not hurting anymore.
Love,
Mummy xx
Say Their Name Day is an initiative facilitated by Red Nose Australia in conjunction with Sands.
If you are a bereaved parent you can access support via
24/7 Bereavement Support line: 1300 308 307
Live Chat Monday-Thursday 7pm-9pm: https://rednosegriefandloss.org.au/live-chat
Relevant tags/topics:
complex pregnancy
High risk pregnancy
Premmie
premature delivery
micro premmie
NICU
Infant loss
bereaved parents
birth trauma